So, I maybe should not have gone to ultimate frisbee last night, because about five minutes into the game I got smoked right in the eye with a frisbee thrown really hard. It actually freaked me out hardcore at first because I couldn’t see out of my right eye and it was bleeding a bit when I rubbed it (from under my eyelid… I can see it in the mirror, now). And I have swelling even today, the day after, a bruise and, like, half a headache. I’m not going to lie; it really, really sucks. Still, it could have been a lot worse so I’m going to stop complaining. I couldn’t even imagine how tragic it would be to go blind, so… I mean… an artist who loses sight… it’s got to be one of the saddest things.

This is one of my last days of freedom before the zoo job starts, so that’s a bit depressing. Still, I’m glad because I hate the feeling of not accomplishing anything all day. (And I’m getting that feeling a lot these days.) I just wish I could find a job close-by that doesn’t make me want to hurl myself off a building and/or bridge.

It’s rather a testament to how pathetically meaningless my life has been in the last week or so that I have not even thought about making a journal entry. Kind of sad, really. But there have been a select few events that make me feel like I still have a life.

First, Alex’s birthday party on the fourteenth was great! We went to the Parthenon for dinner and then we went to see the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It was pretty good. (I think the casting for Trillian was good, but why was she not British? Also, I’d pictured her more aloof and serious. The girl has degrees in math and astrophysics for the love of crap. There’s no way she’s so laid back and so socially adept.)

Corene and Dan’s going away party was the following Saturday, and it was at Angie’s house and really fun. I got a ride with Cailee which was sweet and then during the party when Aaron noticed her socks had monkeys on them, he drew a monkey on his own foot and took a picture… it was great! Then afterwards we went to church, and after that my family rented the second Star Wars. Hah, script so dismal.

And then there was OtaFest. Not a whole lot to comment on except that there were a bunch of cos-players for Kim and I to snerk at. And, I got a little Alphonse plushie (Full Metal Alchemist) that is sooo cute, I love it. I don’t know if I’ll go again next year (because, really, if you don’t want to buy manga or DVDs, it is a bit pointless), but if I do, I’ll be sure to catch some of the actual events, stupid as they would be (OtaFest Idol…).

Last night Katie and Jen and Kim came over to watch the season finale of Lost. It was awesome because Jen brought candy and I hadn’t seen Katie since New Year’s! Still… Lost… what the heck? Heh… Also, yesterday I went for a job interview at the zoo which I thought went pretty well.

Today I went to the Mustard Seed again to do more website stuff. That site is going well, so I’m happy. I wish I was not directionally impaired, though. I suck at finding places downtown. When I got home I found out that I did get the job at the zoo, so I have to pick up a package tomorrow and then go to an orientation on Saturday. I hope this job works out, because… I need money!

Yesterday was a sweet day!! First Kim and I went to the Dollar Store to buy some poster paper and supplies for Alex’s huge birthday card. And then we got Slurpees! After getting home, we started making the card, and it’s going to be wicked when it’s done.

In the evening, Kim, Alex, Mark and I went to the church to play ultimate frisbee. It was so fun! First I was on a team with Jeff and Andy and a bunch of others, and holy crap, they are really good at that game. Man, Andy must have ran that field up and down like a hundred times. When ultimate frisbee was done we all went to Mac’s and bought a lottery ticket and won (wait for it!) two dollars!!

Then to top it all off, when I got home, Laura asked if I would be an admin on the new ErisedMOO. I accepted, but I really hope that I can be taught to code and things, because right now I don’t know if I can do much besides room descs and the website with Kim. Still! I am really excited! This MOO is going to be even better than the last!

Today I went to SwitchBox for my brother’s birthday party. I am rather happy that I didn’t buy Starcraft again, even though it is cheap. Playing one game again was enough to remind me that I don’t love it as much as my beloved Warcraft III. So, I’d say today was a pretty good day, too.

The latest development in my life is that I’ve come to the conclusion that my career may, in fact, not be in the graphics business. I need a career that I can be more… certain of my constant employment. And I can still make websites on the side as contracts come my way. It’s just that, as of now, I really can’t see myself as able to put myself out there in the corporate world. There is so much competition, and I’ve heard from more than one source that graphic designers work nearly inhumane hours for not great pay. One of those sources was a teacher at college, so…

My parents suggested taking nursing to me in passing, and I think I’m rather warming up to the idea. Whatever I decide, though, it’s too late to apply for school in September, so this next year will be a year off school. I think this is good, though, because now I can get a full-time job to get some money, and do the random things that I should have done by now (driver’s license!) but haven’t.

I’m going to have to do some research on nursing to find out if it really is what I want, and with a strong will, I will not let the romanticism of working in a hospital like the cast members of House delude me…

I realized today that I am detached and torpid as far as relationships are concerned, as is (arguably) the rest of my generation. I suppose that is a bit extreme of a description, but… I was going to ask one of my SAIT friends if his child had been born yet, but then I decided, ‘eh, his msn name will change to that effect once it is born.’ How bad is that?

This afternoon I went over to Jen’s to watch Finding Neverland. It was good, I liked it. Since Jen’s creativity was so overflowing, we also sewed doll clothes while watching the movie. It was great fun, and now I know for sure that my true calling is indeed not in the fashion world!

These days are going by really quickly for some reason.

So, a report on my so-called professional life! The two website contracts that I’ve been working at are going pretty well. The resort one is farther along than the other, just due to scheduling; the owner of the other one has been busy, which works out in a way since doing one site at a time may be better. But the resort one is nearly finished. Once I fix the nauseatingly bad navigation, I think I’ll be rather proud of that one. Then aside from these two, Kristen also got me on for a job at The Seed, which rocks. The graphics are already done for that one, so essentially it is just a matter of figuring out the best way to put them up, and working out how to make it work on all the common screen resolutions. (Also, I need to find out how to change .bin files into .ttf files.)

I went to the career fair with Kim and Alex and Mark on Thursday, and once we got through the massive line-up to get in, it was pretty good. I think I might look into getting a job at the zoo if I can’t get back into ATCO. However, part of me wants to get a job somewhere in South Centre Mall because it would be so much less transit time.

This morning I was forced into the horror of daytime television since it’s hard to hear the doorbell from downstairs; I had to sign for my brother’s iPod which came today. It’s a pretty sweet little machine, that thing. I can’t decide which I like better, those or the Dell ones. I guess I have a while to think about it, though, since my birthday isn’t for a long time.

I go through different dream phases, I’ve found. Like, for a time, I will be able to recall every last detail in sequence of what I just dreamed. Then sometimes I can only get those dream echos that feel just like deja-vu. So, last week was a dream echo week and this week was a detail week. Last week I can remember dreaming something about water, and being livid with someone on the internet. I’m pretty sure that dream stemmed from my deep rage towards the idiots who are always paired up with me in Warcraft. Anyways.

Then a few nights ago, I dreamed that myself and everyone else were in a huge virtual-reality role-play game. Jen was a queen of course, and Kim was the minion at her disposal. I don’t know what I did, but I did something that made Jen mad, so she sent Kim after me. We were on a long city road, and Kim turned into this huge scribble and started chasing me. I turned a corner and transformed into a tiny little girl named Pip, wearing headphones and holding a microphone. Well, Kim didn’t know that little girl was me, but she thought I was really cute so she didn’t devour me. As Pip, I walked down the city road until it turned into a residential district, interviewing people with my microphone as I went. Later, during a yellow sunset I passed a house with long grass and a white picket fence. I knew this house to be that of my friend ‘Hopper’, another little girl. She walked out of the house just then, crying, and I knew that her father had just hit her again. I noticed that she had white daisies in her hair. She walked by me like she didn’t see me, and didn’t say anything. I followed her across the street until I woke up.

And I have no idea what that dream stemmed from.

Kim and Steph and I went back to Beaverbrook today to visit Mrs. Nelson, and wow, it was so strange. The school did seem a bit smaller, but for the most part it was just how we left it almost one year ago. When we left Wilma Hansen, it seemed like every single thing had changed by the time we went back to visit.

Jennifer called me this morning so I told her that I wouldn’t be able to accept that position as full-time nanny to her kids. I was relieved to hear that she didn’t sound mad or panicked. In retrospect I should have decided and called her so much sooner, but, well, you know what they say about hindsight. Either way, I am babysitting for her for the first week in May because turning down a job on such short notice is kind of unfair. I just hope she can find a replacement after that week.

It snowed last night but the grass is green under it, so it made for a pretty scene this morning. I took a picture of it but it turned out rather badly because of all the cat nose-prints on the window. Sigh…

It is insane to think that the my first year of college is completely done. This year went so quickly. And if I would have known from the beginning that it was going to be so needlessly easy, maybe I would have even tried to get a job close-by to get some extra money. They should just compress that digital graphics course into one year. It wouldn’t be hard. Oh, but students might actually get homework; yes, homework in a college diploma program, how novel. Come to think of it, I really wonder, if I didn’t have the rest of my life to stress over if I would have died of boredom by now. But another idea hit me just recently —apathy as a coping mechanism. Fits, huh? I’d say it’s a pattern of mine to worry about something until I don’t care about it anymore. Until I’ve said to myself, “don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” so many times that I believe it?

That’s why I really need to not stress over things. Because I can imagine an apathetic lifetime, and it looks long and hopeless. And who wants that? So a better approach is to be optimistic. Yes! I will find some life direction and end up doing something I love! To truly think about it, it is absurd to expect that I should know, at eighteen, what course I want my whole life to take. I need to kick my INFJ butt into focusing on the present instead of the future. My newest idea has been that I like to proof-read things but I don’t have the guts to be an English teacher. However, what about a novel editor? Or an anything editor? I could put those “grammar nazi” tendencies to use for people who, unlike freaks like me, don’t care about comma splices and sentence fragments…

On a slightly more sane note, this month seems to have been babysitting month for some reason. On Thursday I babysat Paige and on Sunday I babysat three kids who go to the Sunday service at my church but I’d never met them before then. Okay, Paige is the cutest, cutest baby I have ever seen. No one should be that cute! And she was good, too. She only cried once or twice. And then the three kids were also cute and very good for me. I’d say that, in my experience, babysitting girls is easier. Or at least, takes less energy somehow. I can’t really think of a reason for why that would be, mostly because I think it may have just so happened that I have only sat for really good girls.

Last night Kim and I went over to Jen’s house to watch Congo… because Jen wanted to. She really is the queen of having unexplainable urges to watch strange, obscure movies. But whatever, it was fun. Tonight they came over here and we made new avatars for the forum and watched the Lost recap. We thought it’d be a new episode but it wasn’t!

Yesterday was fun because Jen and I walked to 7-Eleven for slurpees and we had a killer time talking about how stupid post-secondary education has turned out to be. We were going to play badminton after we got back, but our hands were cold so we went inside and made new avatars for the forum. We ran out of time to play vampire badminton but maybe we will play it sometime soon. And more slurpees.

I was walking up to the Heart building from the train station this morning, listening to Yann Tiersen songs… honestly, that man’s music has a way of cheering me up to the extent at which I am nearly grinning while walking in a group of strangers, thinking, “life is fine and everything will be fine and I am fine.” It makes me wonder if there is actually a specific note pattern that releases some type of endorphin or something into my synapses, (nehehuheh, bio…) because for some odd reason, Cynic Project music has the same effect on me despite its synth-goodness. Like… maybe songs played in minor keys make me happy. Or crescendos, or perhaps a certain note progression. They should totally study that if they haven’t already.

I should burn a CD of only songs that make me inexplicably happy. Hell, yeah! Take that, bleak reality!

I’ve said this here before and I’m going to say it again: I read once that “problems in Virgos lives normally come from within them”, and right now that’s pretty much the case. Completely aside from the whole “I have no life direction” thing, I’m currently stressed out over little things. And I’m such an idiot because I should just deal with them as they come and not worry about everything so much.

Like, one thing was those two websites, but I’m feeling a lot better about them now that I have a good start on them. If I could just do this, websites for fledging businesses, full-time, that would be sweet.

The next thing is that summer job as a nanny thing. I can’t do it. It’s not looking after the kids that I can’t do, it’s just… I can’t drive and they live on a bus route, but I’d need to take two buses to get there. It makes so much more sense for them to have someone who drives. Also, I have no confidence in myself; I almost don’t trust myself looking after two kids full-time… I just don’t have much practice. I’m a sweet evening babysitter but all-day, every-day is… well it’s overwhelming. And I know what some may think: you’d better get used to being overwhelmed by children, miss “I’ma have three to five kids and love every minute of it”. But I maintain that it’s harder to look after someone else’s children. Oh yeah, raising kids is no picnic, but at least if you’re their mother they have some respect and of course love for you. And mothers can set rules, explain them and have their kids live by them. When I was looking after the boys I had to keep saying ‘no’ to them because I didn’t know what was canon! Like, I couldn’t take them to the park because I didn’t have a house key and you can’t trust the directional skills of a five-year-old to guide you there and back. But of course their mom can take them.

Apart from all that, I need this summer to get established in the graphics industry if I can. Secondary to that would be to get a job at ATCO again so I can make some decent money and hopefully go on that Europe trip that Mark is dying to go on. It wouldn’t be for another two summers, but I really want to go and I’d just die if I wasn’t able to go because I didn’t have the money.

The main thing that’s stressing me out there is that I feel bad about refusing the nanny job. What if she can’t find anyone else? I’m turning down the job on such short notice.

It’s in times like these I wish I had a backbone.

I suppose it’s not a huge incentive to write journal entries daily when nothing particularly interesting seems to be happening. That’s where I’m at right now. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just doesn’t make for amusing, post-worthy anecdotes. And I dislike coming out and saying, “life is out-and-out boring right now”, because I think it kind of invites bad things. Like, when you were a kid and you whined to your mother about being bored, did anything good ever come of that? As Natalie said, “that’s how I learned to do dishes…”

I don’t even know the point of saying this again, but I am still worried about next year and what the hell to do. The problem with wanting to design websites and graphics for a living is that while it is a practical art you can put to use, it is still art. It is still selling yourself as much as it is selling your work. Like, why am I any more qualified that the other people applying for the same jobs as me? Does this market for web designers even exist? I mean, if you think about it, any person or business that doesn’t already have a website either doesn’t need one, or hasn’t needed one until now. The latter being the case, what are the chances of them finding me on a basis consistent enough for me to make a living off of?

I guess there’s a chance that I have no true calling in life and I will spend all my days at an average-paying job that I hate for however many years until my life takes another turn. Bloody hell I miss high school.

On the upside, this week has been pretty good. Ranjit and Alessandra and I were done Tyler’s assignment in our last class on Wednesday, so we went for lunch at Moxies. It was kind of embarrassing that I couldn’t order a Bellini because I didn’t have a government-issued ID, but it all kind of worked out in the end anyways.

I’ve been seeing people on the train more than usual lately for some reason. Like, I ran into Nick and Briana on the same day, and Andy Tenham twice. It’s strange how you don’t see people ever and then one week you’ll see everyone.

The Ring two was one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen; I highly recommend it, but only if you can see it with an entire row of unamused, caustic and loud fifteen-year-olds sitting right behind you. I thought their audacious comments were funny, I’m not going to lie. Since I’m a freak and “quote nerd” according to Jen, I looked on the Internet Movie Database to confirm my suspicions: the girl who plays Samara in the first Ring isn’t even in the second one. That whole character is just archive footage, computer animation, and cheap-stunt-double goodness. Now, you know you have a good movie when… heh. Actually, after some forums and… I wouldn’t call it research, no, I refuse. After some general interest, I found out that Sadako, (Samara) from the original Japanese Ringu, is pretty popular over there. There was a reference to her in Hack Liminality which I just watched, but I had no idea it was her they were referring to. Also, there is a highly amusing cult of people who document their “experiences” after watching the tape. Heh. Oh, man…