That I don’t slip into one more of your little tragedies.
     ‘Cause that would be no good for me right now.

I’m lost. Josh’s family is confusing sometimes. I’ve gotten what I think is a mere glimpse of what it means to be “put in the middle” and feel like that’s something I can do without in life. I’m really not interested in taking sides. Who would benefit from that?

This kind of thing, along with conversations I’ve had with some of my net friends especially, just slap me in the face with how sheltered I’ve been all my life from family drama and turmoil. Things haven’t been perfect all the time, but compared to the stories, they barely appear on the radar. I think of Esther’s situation, probably the most appalling instance, the “we, your parents, are going to shun you; yes, literally Old Testament shun you because you married a Protestant and not a Catholic.” I can hardly comprehend it.

I wonder sometimes at this apparent dice-toss that is life. Why have I been spared? It seems like I must come to the same conclusion over and over again and yet still largely ignore it: I’ve been given a lot, so I must give a lot. And I know I’m not giving back what I should be, but feel like I’m making a bare start with the girls now, a full year after joining youth ministry. Oh God, please let me be the listening ear they need so desperately. But it’s so hard to listen to the pain they deal with and not be able to fix it for them, especially when I’m in territory so uncharted to me. Saying that I know how they feel would be a complete lie. Listening literally is all I can do right now.

They don’t need or want advice from me, and good thing, too, because I doubt I’d be of any help. My “dealing with parents” model is based on my parents: mature adults who were always willing to discuss things and hear my side of the story. The kind of people who should be parents. From what I’ve heard, their parents are acting like children, and I have no idea how to deal with that.

In that vein, I’ve been thinking about motives lately. It seems like almost everything we do is towards a purpose. We go to work to get money. We seek romantic relationships for companionship and love. We volunteer to help others, or to get a good feeling of contributing. All these things have a pretty clear “why” attached to then. But I was thinking, if you asked some parents why they had kids, what would they say? Having children seems to me to be something of a mystery as far as conscious goals are concerned. Because really, the continuation of the human race really isn’t an issue. People can’t blame imminent extinction as their reason for procreating. So what is it?

I guess there’s always the, “I’ve just always wanted kids,” or the “I wanted to experience being a parent”, but even then, why? Is it a lack of goals that causes parents to fail at times in raising their children? Since they’re doing it day by day “just because”?

I do want kids. I’ve realized that I have a goal for that endeavour now… I want to raise children who will grow up to help the world, to be a positive influence. Imagine if every parent had that goal in the forefront of their mind at all times when interacting with their child. Would this world be different?

“Permettez-moi d’allumer ma lampe,
et jamais le débat si cela peut aider à éliminer les ténèbres.”

Le tremblement de terre à Haïti m’a beacoup fait penser aux changements. Tout le monde, à Port-au-Prince, a vu sa vie complétement boulversée durant ces deux dernières semaines. Ces changements étaient hors de notre contrôle, mais ils ont quand même dû les affronter. Il en est ensi pour beaucoup de changements dans nos propres vies: totalement hors de notre contrôle. Mais quand on pense à tous ces gens qui ont eu vent du tremblement de terre, ont laissé tombé ce qu’ils étaient en train de faire, et qui ont pris l’avion pour aller aider là bas… c’était quelque chose qu’ils ont fait de leur propre volonté. Et pourtant, il s’agit là d’une expérience qui va changer leur vie également. J’ai lu un bon paquet de récits d’américains et de canadiens racontant comment les choses vont là bas en ce moment. Presque tous d’entre eux mentionnent l’odeur de la mort, et remarquent qu’il s’agit de quelque chose qu’ils n’oublieront jamais de leur vie.

Ces gens qui sont allés à Haïti pour participer à l’effort de soutien se sont ouverts au changement. Cela m’intrigue, car à moi le changement me fait si peur. Même pour des choses d’importance beaucoup moindre que d’enter volontairement dans le chaos le plus total. Ou encore pour des choses comme Josh ou les autres qui sont allés enseigner en Chine durant quelques années. Ses expériences resteront à jamais avec lui, et cela uniquement parce qu’il était prêt à aller là bas et laisser l’expérience le changer. Un pays peut vous changer, mais pour cela vous devez être prêt à le laisser faire.

C’est quelque chose qui demande une mesure de courage que je n’ai pas encore atteint.

My vulnerable side. I’m too near to make it clear—
    Emotional suicide.

True love. The academic side of me wonders whether it even involves endorphins. Whether a couple needs months of that fluttery, unsure, giddy feeling to base a lifetime of happy marriage on.

Has Disney and Twilight and Hollywood and literature skewed our definition of what true love is? Because when I think of “true love”, I envision the fairytale couple… the Eric and Ariel, the Edward and Bella, the Wesley and Buttercup, the Richard and Kahlan. Willing to move heaven and earth, to battle the supernatural, or face death itself just to protect the other.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t want that kind of devotion. Not that I demand it, obviously, but it isn’t like I’d refuse it if offered.

But still, seldom do you hear about that kind of obsession in real life. And it’s surely unchristian to want to be the centre of anyone’s life. I have to keep telling myself that. And pulling myself back into reality. If you took a candid snapshot of all the relationships around you, you’d see enough to make you decide that real devotion is rare. For every one noble man there are twenty others cheating on their wives… or worse.

Every so often you do see it though… someone falls in love so profoundly that they get tunnel-visioned. “If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone”. You see it in movies, I mean. Literature. Maybe it doesn’t actually happen. When I was a kid though, I always hoped that that’s how it’d happen for me. Some guy would see me from across the room and never be the same. It’s the sort of lofty dream you can have when you’re really young. And the type of dream that dies hard.

Life is all about perspective, though. It’s really only in that childish fantasy sense that I feel like I’ve settled in my relationship with Josh. I barely have to look around me to count myself extremely lucky to have the guy I do. Sometimes I overhear conversations on the train, and the way some guys talk about girls (when they’re not around, of course) is just flat out insulting. I’m glad to think that Josh doesn’t talk about me that way when I’m not there. But that’s the other thing… I’ll never know for sure.

There are certain memories I have of Josh, back from before we were dating. Memories that I feel show his true heart. Even though I want to tell him that these are some of the things I admire him for, I’m hesitant to ever bring them up with him, because I’m afraid that maybe he’ll tell me that it wasn’t actually him being noble or compassionate. That it was merely a result of luck or timing, or that he had another motive. Ignorance really is bliss.

Josh is nothing if not honest though. It’s one of the things that’s surprised me so far. He strikes me as having a  strong moral code. And that’s good for me to be close to, because I can be a sell-out and I know it.

Coming back to true love… I think I need to change my thinking. Maybe true love isn’t about that occasional flutter of the heart. Maybe it’s not about slaying demons or always being flawlessly attentive. Perhaps true love is being willing to drive me home from youth sometimes. Or holding my hand. Or being honest. It could be.

I’ll burn before you bury me
         Set your sights on the sun

Days are rushing by still even though December is over. What gives?

Christmas was great this year! We went to Derek and Yolayne’s (Josh came too) and it was fun times there as usual. We even played Pictionary, and Kim let her bunny hop around while we were in the den, so cute! We Boxing-Day-shopped at Park Place and were actually able to find Munchkin. That’s one awesome thing about Lethbridge, they often have stuff that’s always sold out here.

For New Years, Kristen and Rob rented a chalet in Canmore and Josh and I went up there for two nights along with Drew, Dave and Kim. We also went to Banff where I bought adorable raccoon mittens and a hat, and then we went to an Irish pub.

January has been good so far. I’ve even made some new friends (or, potential friends) and also gotten my first design job of the year: more business cards. Archery has been tough going since getting my new bow. It is such a tank that I’m actually going to have to work out in order to be able to use it. I’ve lost two arrows so far (one shot through a sheet of metal) and broken another, because I am so unused to the power of the bow. But I’ll keep at it. Really I should be glad to have something to work towards. I was getting only moderately accurate on the rental bows because, since it was a different bow each time, I get to get used to it all over again. Now that I have my own, it’s one less variable to account for. One guy I’ve seen at archery twice has a traditional bow, too. He can pull back that string like it’s nothing and is deadly accurate. So that’s what I aspire to. Actually, one of my new year’s resolutions is to be able to string my bow without a stringer. Right now, even with the bow stringer, it takes me so much effort that I’m nearly panting by the time I actually do it. Very pathetic to watch, I’m sure.

Mom and dad are a few days away from coming home from their holiday in Mexico. I’m pretty excited to see their pictures but mostly I’m excited to see them!

To hear the angels sing.

It makes me laugh to think back to when I was a kid. December used to crawl by almost maliciously, or so it seemed, because I was looking forward to Christmas so much. But a kid doesn’t really have responsibilities or deadlines around Christmas beyond ripping off another paper link and opening an Advent calendar flap. I think it’s all the shopping and madness that makes it December 22nd now, before I’ve fully registered that November is even over. It makes me wish that we could all go back to a simpler time, or be happy with home-made presents or something.

But then, it’s easy to complain, isn’t it? I need to boot myself out of that yearning mindset and focus on being intensely, profoundly thankful for what I’ve been given this Christmas and every Christmas. I love my family so much. Moving out this year has helped make it clear to me just how much.

Today on the train, one of my pens leaked in my backpack all over lots of my stuff. But I was hit with such a strong sense of gratitude this morning that I hardly even minded. I laughed about it with Phil when I got to work. Because if this is the worst thing that happens to me today, or even if it isn’t, oh beauty, I am blessed.

  Is a message from the sky.
        I wonder what it’s trying to say…

I’m back in the game now after some down time. Tiring as those emotional dips are, I usually come out of them with a bit of inspiration; in this case, Christmas presents. And words for my book. Oh, book.

Cold as it is, I’m loving my walks to and from work (or, the train station). Walking sort of alters my state of mind. There’s nothing else to do but think. I’ve finally got one of my short stories all planned out in my head. It’s fitting that it should be this one, because that character has always been my most beloved even in concept stage. But based on how long it’s taken to get inspired for his story, my intended collection of ten stories will probably never be done.

I have, however, finally finished Nathan’s present and I think my next project will be remodeling my website, journal and twitter page so that they all match. Maybe something wintery. It’s a beautiful season if you can experience it inside, through a window.

After months of looking on enviously as Laura knits amazing things, I might start to learn soon, too, because apparently Josh’s mom would be willing to teach me. Canon Ravenclaw scarf, you are imminent.

My challenge of the month is going to be finding people who will take me to assorted stores for Christmas shopping… and having that person not be the person I’m buying for. Godspeed, self. With some luck I can be finished with stores and malls after hopefully going shopping with Lyndsay after photo club.

It’s almost time to start listening to Christmas carols all day to annoy Phil!

   Far behind my eyes.
 I willed you there to see, but you never came for me.

I feel so tired and worn out.

I’m hoping that a bit of rest is on the horizon, but as usual, I think the out-of-control need in me to always have a project on the go will win out once more. Being productive is a nice feeling though. Something I thrive on. I think that’s why when my boyfriends past and present sleep in so much on weekends, it drives me nuts.

Since Caleb was born I’ve gone full throttle in making the present for Natey that I’ve had in mind for over two years now. At this point I’m probably at 250 hours working on it, nearing full completion in maybe a week or two. And in the middle of November, Kristen and I hosted a funny awards night, like the Dundees on the Office, but ours were called the Tenettes. It was a lot of work too, but it was fun.

Kim came over last week and we made cookies, it was such a good time. I miss seeing her so much… so much. The cookies were a bit burnt on the bottom but they were still pretty good I thought.

Last weekend I went to Live at the Lake, the winter Gull Lake retreat. It was awesome and wild, but also so tiring. Probably the big reason I’ve been so despondent the last few days. It takes a lot out of an introvert to be “on” for so long. Extroverts don’t really get that sleep doesn’t count as “alone time”. It recharges my body but not my soul.

On the bright side, the band there, Tree63, was really awesome. I also went to Robin Mark with Josh and my parents earlier this month and he was wonderful. Such a nice voice!

I also bought myself a nice present a few weeks ago… the pretty bow that I fell in love with at first sight at the Archery Centre. It is very hard to pull back so I’ll need to work up to it. Still, it’s super exciting.

My next projects are going to have to wait until my new computer eventually arrives. I’m pretty curious to see how Windows 7 is, truth be told. If it’s good, then I will be glad in my accomplishment of skipping Windows Vista completely. Anyway, once I get Adobe Premiere on the new machine, I want to make videos for our Alaska cruise and for both 2009 youth retreats. I have the music picked out so at this point it’s just a matter of having a computer good enough to accomplish my vision.

Lately I’ve been dwelling, probably too much, on my past decisions and where my life is headed. It has me a little down, probably because lots of future-thinking is straining when I feel emotionally empty.

Tonight I’m doing laundry. And after that, I don’t really know.

It’s a problem around here.

October has been non-stop action as usual, but I don’t have that spread-thin feeling quite so bad as I did last month. Being good about looking at my calendar before agreeing to things has helped. I suppose it’s very Virgo of me to truly think that pretty much anything can be accomplished with great organization and scheduling.

Anyway, October had some notable milestones such as Caleb Patterson being born right on his due date, and Sammy getting engaged! Very exciting stuff. Josh and I also went to CrossIron Mills for the first time and were overwhelmed by the size of it. It makes me not regret that I’ve never been to West Edmonton Mall because I’ve come to realize that I can’t shop for very long anyways, so huge malls aren’t much of an advantage for me. But still, it was fun to see. They had my gorgeous bow there, the very same one. But I think it might be less at the Archery Centre. At this point I have every intention of buying that bow around Christmas. With my birthday money plus my accumulating stockpile of rolled change (and, possibly, Christmas bonus), it won’t be too bad actually. It excites me just thinking about it.

This month also has been good for coffee and dinner dates because a few weeks ago I went to Starbucks with Leah and then just last weekend with Katie (who I hadn’t seen in so long!) and yesterday, dinner at Art Central with Lyndsay. We had the Great Music Trade of ‘09 last night so this weekend I’m going to be watching Dead Like Me and listening to new music (at last). Although, come to think of it, I’ve been waking up to some okay stuff on CBC Radio 2. The problem is, I’m too brain-dead that early in the morning to remember song titles (or lyrics to look up later). Alas.

Jen’s playing World of Warcraft again and part of me wants to start too, but I know if I do that I’ll get bored of it after level 30ish but keep playing anyways because of trying to keep up. For my own sake I want to stick to my promise that I wouldn’t go back to it. But I do get these periodic yens to make a pure black Tauren or a Blood Elf paladin. If anything, I’ll reactivate my account and play at SwitchBox or something… because I uninstalled it from my computer and it’s not coming back.

I’m looking forward to Halloween tomorrow, we’re having a Space-themed party and I’m going as a futuristic-lady. Hopefully, someone’s costume will be a planet.

“See the art in me…”

We’re doing a kind of passive talent show on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend at church. Basically people are just going to have things set up in the foyer. My dad’s displaying some of his photography, I’m showing some of my art, Mike’s juggling, etc. It’s kind of cool, because art isn’t the type of thing that can typically be shown at a talent show, so I haven’t been in one since grade six (when Kim and I got it in our heads that singing along to the Sailor Moon soundtrack could be considered a talent!). People seem to immediately think of art when considering my talents, and that’s probably fair enough. I’m fine with that.

The idea on Sunday is to display examples of “God-given talent” and that got me to thinking. I think this “talents” service is a nice idea, but it’s not displaying what I consider to be God-given talents, and I think this for two reasons.
The first is that I don’t think of art as a talent that was given to me. I know one could argue that God gave me the physical ability to draw, and a supportive family and arty friends that encouraged my progression. But on the other hand, never did a lightning bolt hit me and suddenly grant me this ability. I’ve drawn something probably every day of my life since I could hold a pencil. Some semblance of talent was bound to evolve. Same with my brother. In jr. high he used to practice juggling for hours. And of course my dad, same thing for him. He’s probably been interested in photography for the better part of thirty five years or more.

The second reason kind of made me sad. With Mike, dad and I each doing something for the service, my mom said, “Well, I don’t have any talents”. Of course this is so untrue that it was almost physically painful to hear. The truth is, I think we’d all have a pretty hard time performing our God-given talents. Things like having great patience, or being a good teacher, or having wisdom, or mercy, or insight. These are what I consider God-given talents. There are some things you can’t fully learn from a book or by repetition. For example, have you ever heard the phrase, “She’s just not a teacher”? Surely at some point or another we’ve all had the misfortune of having to learn from someone who just wasn’t a teacher. It might be their profession, and they might have been doing it for longer than I’ve been alive, but in some cases, that doesn’t seem to matter. They just aren’t teachers.

So to me, God-given talents are somewhat shrouded in most cases. You can’t tape them to a wall or perform them in five minutes. But I like talent shows, so let’s enjoy Sunday, shall we?

For the record, my mom is a pretty excellent gardener. She sewed my brother’s and my Halloween costumes almost every year growing up, and drew pictures on our birthday cakes in icing and they looked professional. She was (is) always there for me to talk to and she’s not afraid to give advice. She’s organized and she’s smart; she rocked high school and SAIT and was making more money than my dad was when they met! She played the clarinet in school and she can play some songs on the piano, too. Also, she is a great cook and her desserts are the best ever! And that’s just the beginning. So there.

And for fun, I put together a progression of my art since 2000. (Kim actually coloured the 2001 picture.) These are all of my Hogwarts MOO character Avery Fallon. See, there are advantages to being a long-time nerd. Now I have a great way of showing the progression!

I just hold on tight.

I went to bed on Sunday night with my mind just reeling about how busy I am these days, not really in a bad way, but surely in a potentially overwhelming sense. I’d completely forgotten about youth bible study that evening — it didn’t even enter my mind when my parents suggested a movie and family dinner that I already had plans. Lying there that night, I was actually starting to get a bit sick to my stomach, sad as that sounds, just mentally trying to keep ahead of it all. I realized a few more upcoming instances where I had unknowingly double-booked myself, and all in all, I had a kind of drowning feeling.

The thing is, all the things pulling me in every direction are things I want to be doing. My full time job, time spent with friends and family, time with Josh, theatre shows, church, youth group, DnD, time spent drawing (three main projects now), five websites (three paid, two not), archery, guitar, frisbee, wings, MOO scenes, keeping my rooms tidy(ish)… the list just goes on and on. On one hand, the feeling of seemingly everyone wanting some of your time is a good one, but life is tiring these days.

And this isn’t meant to be a complaining thing… I need to either learn to organize my time better, or to learn to say no to doing some things. I’m pretty convinced that doing either one of these things will help me a lot.